The Beautiful Games

A spokesman for the game has revealed plans to expand the Premiership to accommodate some of the ludicrous pluralisation that the game seems increasingly beset by.

“A top division of 16 teams may be desirable” he said, “but we’re not confident it would go down too well with the Manchester Uniteds or Arsenals of this world!”

The initial plan is to phase an increase at the top which will result in each town or city represented being able to field three teams with exactly the same name, provided the manager and players are identical across each.

In spite of the pressures experienced by the playing staff, the chairman of one of the Liverpools involved in the talks is confident that the plans will come to fruition. “People can’t get enough football these days. A 54 team premiership will allow supporters the chance to see the Stephen Gerrards and Wayne Rooneys of this world in regular action, while leaving the door open for the Sunderlands and Wolveses to make the leap into the big time.”

Nationwide clubs also stand to gain, there being six automatic promotion places from Division One, with proposals to expand the playoffs to the team finishing bottom of the table. Fans of either Stoke City, or any of Derby County or Derby County will fancy their chances after the shake-up, and clubs lower down the league will be doubly excited at the increased prospect of drawing a top club in the cup.

Chairmen of struggling clubs also relished the safety-net of the three-club system, hoping it would be introduced where funds are needed the most. One anonymous chairman summed it up. “This club is doomed. We may as well pack up now and start work on rebuilding our namesake across the city!”

Neither Sven Goran Eriksson was available for comment today, but it is likely that they will be delighted at the prospect of being able to draw on the services of a back-up John Terry in the event of injury.

© Chris Trickett, July 2003